"In the 1960s, psychologist Stephen Karpman introduced The Drama Triangle, a model that highlights the unconscious roles we often slip into during conflict: The Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. These roles can create a cycle of negative emotions and behaviors, not just with others, but also in how we relate to ourselves.
While Karpman didn’t specifically use the term “ego self,” many psychologists and therapists have since connected The Drama Triangle to ego-driven behaviors. These roles are often defense mechanisms our ego self uses to manage stress, protect us from vulnerability, or assert control in conflict situations—whether we’re aware of it or not."
Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 4]
While Karpman didn’t specifically use the term “ego self,” many psychologists and therapists have since connected The Drama Triangle to ego-driven behaviors. These roles are often defense mechanisms our ego self uses to manage stress, protect us from vulnerability, or assert control in conflict situations—whether we’re aware of it or not."
Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 4]
Below the Line
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"Whenever I find myself in a situation where I don’t feel at peace or empowered, it’s a strong indication that I’m playing one of the three roles in The Drama Triangle. And by “I’m playing,” I mean my ego has taken the lead and is acting from a victim mindset, persecutor mindset, or rescuer mindset."
Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 4] |
Victim Mindset
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Rescuer Mindset
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Persecutor Mindset
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"To illustrate this, let’s dive into a single-person, three-act play where my ego, Brandi, takes the stage in a co-working scenario from a few years ago:
Act One: Brandi begins the scene in full victim mode. I’m frustrated by a coworker who isn’t seeing things my way, and you can hear her inner monologue echoing through the room: “There is nothing I can do to have him see things differently.” Her helplessness sets the tone as she slumps into the role, convinced that no amount of effort will change the situation.
Act Two: Without missing a beat, Brandi shifts gears and takes on the persecutor role. Frustration bubbles up inside as she mutters, “Why would he even say something like that? He should know better.” Now, instead of feeling powerless, Brandi is on the attack. She’s blaming him for the conflict and solidifying her position as the one in the right. The energy is sharp, and the blame game is in full swing.
Act Three: In an effort to soothe the discomfort of the tension she’s feeling, Brandi takes on the rescuer role—except this time, she’s rescuing herself. She reassures with, “I’ve got this. I’ll be fine no matter what.” It might seem like a positive affirmation on the surface, but the truth is, Brandi is just trying to escape the situation, brushing it off without truly resolving anything. She’s not acting from a place of grounded confidence, but from an anxious need to end the discomfort.
In this three-act play, we see how quickly the ego can switch roles depending on how it's feeling at the moment. In a matter of minutes, it's gone from victim to persecutor to rescuer, cycling through The Drama Triangle without even realizing it." Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 4]
Act One: Brandi begins the scene in full victim mode. I’m frustrated by a coworker who isn’t seeing things my way, and you can hear her inner monologue echoing through the room: “There is nothing I can do to have him see things differently.” Her helplessness sets the tone as she slumps into the role, convinced that no amount of effort will change the situation.
Act Two: Without missing a beat, Brandi shifts gears and takes on the persecutor role. Frustration bubbles up inside as she mutters, “Why would he even say something like that? He should know better.” Now, instead of feeling powerless, Brandi is on the attack. She’s blaming him for the conflict and solidifying her position as the one in the right. The energy is sharp, and the blame game is in full swing.
Act Three: In an effort to soothe the discomfort of the tension she’s feeling, Brandi takes on the rescuer role—except this time, she’s rescuing herself. She reassures with, “I’ve got this. I’ll be fine no matter what.” It might seem like a positive affirmation on the surface, but the truth is, Brandi is just trying to escape the situation, brushing it off without truly resolving anything. She’s not acting from a place of grounded confidence, but from an anxious need to end the discomfort.
In this three-act play, we see how quickly the ego can switch roles depending on how it's feeling at the moment. In a matter of minutes, it's gone from victim to persecutor to rescuer, cycling through The Drama Triangle without even realizing it." Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 4]
Above the Line
"The Empowerment Dynamic® is one of my absolute favorite tools that was created by David Emerald and Donna Zajonc in the early 2000s. While Karpman’s model helps us identify when we’re stuck in drama, Emerald and Zajonc’s Empowerment Dynamic gives us a roadmap for moving toward healthier, more constructive ways of interacting with ourselves and others."
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"In The Empowerment Dynamic, the roles we play shift from disempowerment to empowerment. Instead of staying stuck in the victim role, we move into the position of the creator. Persecutors become challengers, and rescuers transform into coaches.
This model beautifully highlights the contrast between when I let Brandi take the wheel—reacting out of anxiety, frustration, or fear—and when I, as my higher self, am firmly in the driver’s seat, with Brandi buckled up in the passenger seat, hands in her lap." "It’s important to understand that being a creator doesn’t mean life becomes free of challenges. The same day-to-day struggles, like navigating illness, enduring a pandemic, or dealing with the loss of a loved one, still come our way. The difference is in how creators respond to these events." "A persecutor tends to see the other person as a problem, someone to be blamed or be corrected, while a challenger sees the other person as a creator—capable and empowered to make their own choices. A challenger is willing to provide feedback, even if it’s difficult, but does so from a place of compassion and authenticity. This may look like a compassionate confrontation, where the goal is to invite the other person into alignment, not to punish or shame them." "A coach understands that true empowerment doesn’t come from offering quick fixes or temporary relief, as a rescuer does. Instead, they hold space for others to face their own challenges, even if it means allowing them to experience temporary discomfort. This discomfort is often necessary for future growth." Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 4] |
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Putting it all Together
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"The next time you feel resentment, judgment, powerlessness, or an overall sense of being unsettled, it’s likely your ego self is playing one of the three roles in The Drama Triangle. When you recognize that you've drifted into drama, notice it without adding more drama or fuss. Use one or more of the tools from this chapter to shift yourself above the line into The Empowerment Dynamic, where peace and presence await.
Introduce this chapter and its concepts to a close friend, coworker, or family member so you can practice noticing and shifting from a victim mindset to a creator mindset, from persecutor to challenger, and rescuer to coach. The more you practice moving from The Drama Triangle to The Empowerment Dynamic, the more peace and clarity you’ll bring into your life and relationships." Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 4] |
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