"Terry Real, a renowned family therapist, author, and founder of the Relational Life Institute, developed The Relationship Grid during the 1990s and early 2000s. He is known for his books, including I Don't Want to Talk About It, How Can I Get Through to You? and The New Rules of Marriage which all offer practical, actionable advice for improving relationships.
In his work, Real discusses how we show up to relationships with others by either behaving as wise adults or using adaptive child strategies.
In Chapter 1, I wrote about how our egos begin to develop in childhood and how our childhood selves come up with strategies to help us and keep us safe? When Terry Real speaks about the adaptive child, you could interchange how I've been using ego self or the name you've given your ego. Conversely, where I have been referring to our higher selves, Real would say we are operating as our wise adult selves."
Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 5]
In his work, Real discusses how we show up to relationships with others by either behaving as wise adults or using adaptive child strategies.
In Chapter 1, I wrote about how our egos begin to develop in childhood and how our childhood selves come up with strategies to help us and keep us safe? When Terry Real speaks about the adaptive child, you could interchange how I've been using ego self or the name you've given your ego. Conversely, where I have been referring to our higher selves, Real would say we are operating as our wise adult selves."
Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 5]
"The Center of Health is a place of self-acceptance, where we feel good about ourselves from the inside out and are not dependent on others to feel good. We don't compare ourselves to others; instead, we are comfortable, have appropriate boundaries, and are resilient to life's challenges." The more we slip out of health and let our adaptive child take over, the more we may move up or down on the grid. This vertical movement reflects shifts in our self-esteem." "Boundaries are like your physical and energetic skin—the point where you end and the world begins. They define the space between your energy and that of others, helping you maintain a sense of self while interacting with the world around you. Boundaries can either be healthy or unhealthy. When you're in your Center of Health, you can feel safe and protected while connecting with others. You can take necessary feedback from others in, using it to grow and improve, while keeping unnecessary or harmful feedback out. However, when you slip out of the Center of Health, and your adaptive child (ego) takes over, you likely move to one side of the horizontal line—either becoming boundaryless or walled-off." |
Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose [Chapter 5]
“One-Down and Shame: When we feel less than others, we slip into shame and doubt, often placing others’ needs above our own.
One-Up and Grandiose: When we feel superior, our egos dismiss others' needs and assume entitlement. Both one-up and one-down ego-driven patterns create barriers to authentic connection and growth. Recognizing these tendencies is a crucial step in moving toward the Center of Health, where you can engage with others from a place of balance, humility, and genuine self-worth.” |
"Both boundaryless and walled-off states are ways our egos try to protect us, but they ultimately keep us from experiencing the fullness of life. The goal is to find balance—neither overly exposed nor overly guarded.
Our wise adult boundaries are strong yet flexible when we are in our Center of Health, allowing us to connect deeply with others while still maintaining a sense of self. This balance enables us to navigate relationships with authenticity and resilience, responding to challenges from a place of empowerment rather than reactivity." |
"Each of these patterns reflects how your adaptive child may react when you're not operating from a place of health and balance.
You may move into different quadrants depending on the person your ego is dancing in relationship with. You may go one-up and boundaryless with your siblings and one-down and walled-off with your romantic partner. No matter the quadrant your adaptive child self goes to in a given situation, recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward shifting back into your wise adult self, where you can engage with the world more openly, authentically, and consciously." |
"Seeing how your ego dances with others on The Relationship Grid can be an impactful tool for choosing more empowering ways of relating. In this chapter, we explore how to recognize when our ego selves step into reactive roles of one-up and walled-off, one-down and walled-off, one-up and boundaryless, or one-down and boundaryless and how to navigate back to our Center of Health using three tools for dancing with others." Dancing with Our Selves: A Practical Guide to Harness the Ego and Live on Purpose |